Letter to Dr M - no.2

This is the letter I will actually give to my doctor, a bit less emotional than the first one, think he will handle it better.

Parenting through the intial diagnosis & beyond

Everyone has a different experience of parenting an ASD child. For some there is an obvious difference at birth, for others their children appear to develop normally then regress around 2 - 4 yrs old. My son was my little shining light. I did notice when I took him to my post baby antenatal class, that unlike the other babies he wasn't looking me in the eye. But his speech and language developed early, he didn't initially have the problems other ASD sufferers have with speech & communication. He was saying "shaun needs some juice, Cory wants some food" to the carers at daycare when the other toddlers were still saying "ju" for juice and not much else. His first complete sentake at 14 months was "here he comes on a bike", followed soon by "here comes another ambulance" I was soo proud of him. By 18 mths he was inventing alternative versions of nursery rhymes.

My son had a great big smile that he flashed at everyone. I was so proud of him because people loved him. So to lose all that, to have my son become someone who was dangerous to have around other children, whose speech became broken & unintelligible. He became someone who refused to interact or communicate with others, who pushed others away, who made others feel really uncomfortable to be around him. he started biting other kids at preschool, throwing heavy objects at them. I didn't understand then that he was autistic, I just knew something was really wrong.

I took him to a psychologist who diagnosed him a gifted, just before what I call his first major breakdown. I didn't know what to do, where to go. I knew there was a problem I knew he couldn't play with other children safely any more, but I didn't know where to go with it. At pre school he was assessed by Special Education as requiring a teacher aid, but it wasn't until 6yrs old that I was pointed in the direction of ASD and got a formal assessment. What is hard to understand from the outside, to anyone who hasn't been through it, is the grief that a parent goes through when their world is turned upside down, when a child that seemed to be blooming, is lost & you are left with someone who at times seems to be an alien or a monster. I used to cry myself to sleep sometimes wishing I could have back that beautiful little boy that I was so proud of.

There are no warm fuzzies, or if there are they are few and far between, from family & friends when you have a young child with Autism. People recoil in horror more often. When you first seek professional help, you are still struggling to come to terms with your child & the depths of trauma you are going through, as you observe your childs distress, & feel powerless to help them.

I went to the mental health people looking for answers & found they had none, but they are offering drugs. drugs which other ASD parents have said have made their children worse than before. it's bad enough as it is, the chance of worse is unbearable. These were the same drugs that - prozac, that a friend committed suicide on, ritalin that his father was shooting up his arm, that had made his father homeless, living on the streets & eating out of garbage bins. I found myself alone, in a world that made no sense, being bullied to take a path that offered no real hope. I chose, to take my hope back home, to cling to it like our lives depended on it, which they did. I chose to belive in my boy when no one else did. I chose to never forget that beautiful whole person I seen once long ago.

I chose to be alone, to be isolated, to be rejected, to be an outcast. But I chose to stand by my child through thick & thin. The only thing I could offer him, & the main thing he taught me was unconditional love. & I cried & I cried & I cried because for a long time there was none else who loved him. No one else who wanted to spend time with him. I only survived because of one friend who lived in a nother country, who was parenting an adult child with schizophenia. She was always there for me to talk to.

I wanted to write about my experiences with the professional I dealt with. But at moment I'm just laying the foundation that that sits upon. My son is 16 now, he's starting to be a beautiful, gifted, sensitive, intelligent person again. He still has a mass of challenges but the struggle has been worth it. I realise I need to tell my story, our story, for myself, for healing, but also for others because I never want anyone to have to be as alone as we were. have to pause for a while, and come back later....

Social Deviance & Social Norms

One of the things that has stood out in my journey with autism is that the harmless but socially different behaviors of ASD people often get a much stronger disapproval & reaction from the public, than some of the really harmful things that people do to each other which society seems to find easier to brush under the carpet.

Having people in our lives with ASD means that whether we want to or not, we confront societies many rules & regulations on appropriate social behavior. My experience is that often people will react more strongly to a ASD person who repeats odd things or makes strange movements with their hands, more than they do to behaviors in society where people are really hurt by those behaviors.

The victimisation of those who behave a bit different to the norm, but hurt no one by their behavor is hard for me to understand. I have learnt with my son, because he is on the highest functioning end of the spectrum,

Dear Dr M- & other health professionals I've known

<= (this by the way is not my doctor, he is a real psychiatrist who actually does some great work, the kind of Doctor I'd like to deal with, but so far the ones I've met have been quite disappointing, but I live in hope that one day I'll be introduced to someone of his calibre)

The following letter is my second attempt to write to Dr M, my local health professional . I went to see him a couple of days ago. As well as getting my asthma script renewed, I wanted to discuss with him, whether I should have my son reassessed as his initial psychiatric assessment re having Aspergers had somehow got lost & buried in the system & the system was reluctant to cough it up. This may have had something to do with the fact that I chose not to follow the path or the drugs prescribe for my son by the mental health "professionals" (I can't write that without the " at either side - there is definitely an element of sarcasm there).

This letter is the beginning of my attempt to sort out the confusion in my head around my experiences with the mental health "providers" in regards to my son's initial diagnosis & prescribed "treatment" & the alternative path we chose to take. Until a couple of days ago, I hadn't discussed my son with any healh professionals for around 8 yrs. I was surprised to find that I became quite emotional when attempting to discuss it with my Doctor. It bought up a lot of long buried pain & confusion, anger & frustration. It left me feeling at a loss as to what to do with it...so....rather than try to sort it into a logical framework, I'm just going to write what comes up around this, as it appears until, hopefully, it eventually sorts it self out.

Part of the issue is that for me, or anyone else to really communicate their needs to a doctor or psychiatrist, requires a lot of time,often at the expense of the patient, or the patients caregiver ...i.e, myself. The state provides some free mental health care, however it usually means waiting months for an appointment, then talking to someone who doesn't know you or your child at all , & is trying to process your needs in as short a time as possible so that they can move on to the next patient. Those who have time to do a better job, charge often hundreds of dollars for their services, and are out of reach of the average wage earner. These issues and more have been fighting for attention in my brain recently. If it was up to me I'd never talk face to face with mental health people or doctors in general, but fire off screeds of writing instead. there is never enough time to say what I really feel needs to be said, or the support as they tend to do their best to stop me before I get started.

My writing at times will be clear & logical, & at other times express the genuine confusion I feel as I try to sort out my often semi unconscious emotions & thoughts. So... I write all this partly for myself - I need to gain clarity & healing, but also because I hope some other parents out there may benefit from my journey.

Dear Doctor M,

re our discussion yesterday regarding my son Zenith & applying for a review of the disability allowance. First of all I just want to make it clear that I never expected that you would make the assessment, in fact I was very surprised when my case manager suggested that, which is why when I repeated to you what you said, I immediately followed that with, but you've never even met him so I don't see how you can do that. You got a bit grumpy at that point, which was the only real feedback I got from you, but actually unnecessary as it's not me that thinks that but my case manager.

Anyway I didn't make it clear that the reason I initially chose not to follow the path laid out for my son & put him on ritalin & prozac. The primary reason was that at the time it was suggested, my son's father was shooting ritalin up his arm once a week. Ritalin that was initially prescribed by those well meaning drug dealers we call psychiatrists. My son's older half brother was has also been through the full gamut of "professional help" is now an extremely heavy cannibis smoker & also abuses prescription drugs frequently. Some of them are prescribed to them, some of them bought form other people that have them prescribed to them.

I have watched these two gifted & very talented individuals head down a path of self destruction that has not only been extremely damaging to them, (& ensured that are unlikely to ever realise their obvious potential) but deprived my son of a father & a brother. They have both been assessed by professionals as "gifted" & then been given by these same professionals, the means to destroy themselves.

Given the genetic tendancy on my son's fathers side of the family towards drug abuse, & alchoholism, & having witnessed the influence of the New Plymouth mental teams on my sons brother, I see very clearly that they have never guided him towards mental health & they lack the resources to do so. So I chose when it became very clear that any support my son was going to get at school was dependant on his swallowing the prescribed doses of what was destroying his father & brothers life, to take a leaf out of my fathers book & take my son out of school & do it on my own.

My father was also different, he also had issues at school, in fact they tried to make him believe he was stupid because he didn't answer questions quickly, he actually took the time to think deeply about things, & when he did answer them his answers were challenging. He spent many many hours sitting in a corner with a dunce hat on his head. But without the "help" of medication to make him fit in, he went on to become the youngest professor of Physics at x University, to then work at NASA for a while, then when he moved to X in Europe where he lived for the rest of his life (partly because of the deeply repressive nature of his home country towards those who think outside the square) he received an award in there for a lifetime contribution to science & maths in that country.

Which path would you take in my situation? To listen to doctors & psychiatrist who trap people in identities around mental illness, & turn them into helpless dependent drug addicts, or someone like my father who had the guts to be himself & be different & do something with it?

The Child psychologist you mentioned is a nice well intended woman, that I know personally from a group we both belonged to. When I mixed with her socially we discussed her grandson who she has frequent care of. My observation is that she is doing her best to make her ADD grandson "fit in" However she will never allow him or support him to have the courage to be who he is & fight for the right & the value in who he is. My son is now back at school, because he's strong enough & empowered enough to know he has the right to be himself. He can think for himself & make his own decisions about the values & beliefs of those around him. For example he has perceived that kids at school can get away with extremely viscious bullying & personal attacks if they know how to work the charm factor at appropriate times. And adult life is not much different than that. However hes also getting a feeling for where his gifts lie, & learning to cope with his peers. He is doing so well, that while when I first went to the mental health system for help, when he was 6 yrs old -( for help with his severe speech problems - not language, he was saying sentances like "here comes another ambulance" at 14 mths old, just the physical act of speech - his sleeping issues, the huge personality changes that happened after he was attacked at school by a huge island Boy, the fact that he insisted he was an alien from neptune for about 2 yrs etc) - he did have severely disabling conditions at that time. But I can't say that about him now. He used to also be absolutely hyperactive & manic quite often, & totally wear me out, but he has calmed down a lot & become more resourceful in meeting his intense need for stimulation. He's extremely intelligent & needs a lot of mental stimulation, which as a burnt out solo mother iIhaven't been able to provide.

I took him home, I gave him space for his brain to relax, I allowed him to grow up as slowly as he needed to , to have time to process the challenge of being who he was in this society. I was rejected by my family, I was rejected by my friends, when I made the decision to take a different path than the norm, we were totally on our own. I couldn't even get the respite care I was entitled to because the hospital & the psychiatrist couldn't/wouldn't release his records to me, & the system provided a paediatrician to assess him that wasn't qualified to do so, (but was vey quick to judge my decisions regarding my son, but never to ask any questions regarding why I made those decisions, that without the help he needed to be able to speak & communicate at school, his mental health was deteriorating rapidly & alarmingly. He didn't know him, He had nothing to measure him by, no past references, but I did. ).

Nobody ever had an intelligent discussion with me about the fact that my son's father was a drug addict, that they were trying to make us follow a path that had destroyed him. In fact they refused to discuss it at all. I was shocked when I was not given, not offered even when I asked for it, speech therapy, or therapy for the intensely negative effects that bullying had had on him, they only offered us drugs. That's why it's ridiculous to me, the pretence at doing a good job that happened in your office yesterday, your indignation you expressed - because the Psychiatrists only spent half an hr with my son, they had never met him before, the one that diagnosed & prescribed for him initially never saw him again. They didn't know him at all. They didn't even try to get to know him. They didn't even care, they just clipped their ticket to make sure they got paid. & by getting him on a prescription, they ensured they continued to get paid in the future when the script had to be renewed.They didn't care that here was a kid who had had a fucking mental/physical breakdown. Who used to speak perfectly & lost that. They let us down hugely & I was left to pick up the pieces on my own. I'm not going to pretend that they were there to help because they weren't.

My son speaks perfectly again now, & it was only love that healed that. Love & Harry Potter books. he has some self esteem, he has some self respect, he knows that although they tried to tell him in his early years at school that he was below average, that he's brilliant at maths. He has taught me way more than I could ever teach him in the time I've spent with him though. I was with him 24/7 for years, because when he was at his worst, at his most damaged, no one wanted to have anything to do with him. But I've watched him grow up into someone I have deep respect for, & that I'm very proud of. He chose to go back to school this year. He's made friends, he's independant. He still has the huge challenge of being different but he's handling it in his own way.

I talked with my son last night about the disability allowance, & the assessment that is required to receive it as well as support in the form of computers etc from Autism NZ, they had offered us a top notch computer, but it requires the assessment, but my son said, who cares about the computer, (we have one that's adequate) he doesn't want to go back there to that world, & neither do I. The cost spiritually outways the benefits.

I came to see you to discuss it, to try & work out whether it was a good idea for us. I hadn't discussed my son with any health "professionals" for close to a decade. That's why I was emotional, because by not taking the given path, we walked a very very hard road. But we're survivers, we're coming through this healthier than we were before. I can't go back there now, to those mental health professionals. Even for myself, I have never applied for a disbility allowance for asthma before, even though WINZ always suggests it when I pass through their offices in between jobs. & if I'm really honest I only have asthma because I choose at times not to listen to my body. The truth is that some of the biggest populations in the world survive perfectly well without dairy & wheat, just think China, Japan, Thailand etc their traditional diet, even Africa too, does not include Dairy or wheat, I can cure my asthma when I want to, I have done many times, I'm just lazy, & sometimes I just get sick of the constant comments & pressure from people who want me to eat what they eat - it makes me feel worse but it makes them feel better when I eat their diet.

So I've decided that I won't apply for "disabilty" allowance either, perhaps this time I will just stick to what works for me, the benefits are huge when I do, increased energy, vitality, clarity of thought, improved communication, I even look younger on that diet. All you have to offer me is convenience. A couple of puffs & you don't have to think about it. Everyday people try to get me to eat their diet, every day people try to get my son to think their thoughts ...why????

I can cure my throat if I really want to, I know how to, I know what works for me and my body, it's just a matter of applying it. I've done it many times before. The only thing that really stops me is the flack that people give me for being different than them. For not doing what every else does. For not following the status quo. I wish you all the best, because I think it's time for me to be firmly on my path, not waver from it again. (Which means I wont be back). To follow the simple truth of listening to what the bodies telling me. Like with my son, I listened to my instincts, I did what felt right. I forgot about the experts & I trusted my own inner guidance. I trusted what I saw my dad do that worked for him, what my mum did that worked for her (they both died ages ago).

I'm writing this letter because sometimes I feel really angry with "health professionals" I feel they avoid the difficult questions & take the path of convenience regardless of the ultimate cost to their patients. But I don't communicate it. There is a place for medicines, I don't dispute that, but I think that were deeper questions asked & supported, real answers & solutions are available that can really help people with many conditions. But they are not usually funded by the state, & people really suffer because of the simplistic reliance on medications.

There are doctors that have done brilliant research, but that research is not getting through to mainstream medicine. There are people like Milton Erikson who have achieved unbelieveable results in the mental health field, but again mainstream mental health is archaic & outdated, & continues to apply what doesn't work & doesn't heal but pays the biils for the providers.

I live in hope for a world where some of the brilliant advances (some of which actually, refect very ancient knowledge as well) being made today actually filter down the the mainstream & are available to the general population. I've observed slow & subtle shifts in awareness around health over the last decade, finally for example antibiotics are being used more responsibly, where they are actually needed not just handed out as lollies.

I want to be now where people are passionate about health, passionate about mental health, not fixated with illness. defining, describing , classifiying illness.
I want my son to be passionate about life, passionate about his interests, passionate about growth and real wellbeing. I don't want to be held back anymore by the smallminded people. Lifes too precious

I am always disappointed when I see a doctor, or pyschiatrist at the low quality of what they have to offer me, of the meaninglessness of the interaction, & the lack of anything really genuinely useful, really healing, really helpful. I can't believe that everyone believes in & supports such an impotent system. I always go away wishing I had stayed away. I always go away wishing they had more guts, I go away wishing I had nothing to do with it ever. Unless of course I cut my leg off, I'll be back then.

If I go back to see you again as a doctor, I'm going to keep feeling impotent, dis empowered, disconnected, stupid, I can't do it anymore, even if the asthma kills me, I have go a different way.


/\ that's as far as I got, probably won't send it, but just keep working through the stuff as it arises until it reaches a point where I feel satisfied. I find myself really wanting to communicate with my doctor even though there seems to be no point. I deeply long for a health system that is saner & really has something to offer the people that pass through it seeking help. I want to be part of the process that makes positive changes in the system to improve the exprerience for those that follow..(but how??? is the question. Perhaps one day i will write a book about it all.

more letters from, and to my sister on my son & Aspergers

From X
RE: Z

Dear Angel

...I've got to go to bed, but Z's experiences reminded me of a quote from Aristotle from my Property Law text:"it's a mark of immaturity to expect the same precision in human affairs as in mathematics" -

not that I'm criticising him - I sympathise with him because I would often like human affairs to have the same same precision as mathematics and can still find it frustrating when they don't - I have found myself having quite emotional reactions to illogic sometimes to a point that it's not rational and actually counterproductive - I think I'm finding law easier to deal with now because I'm accepting that's it's primarily human rather than logical. I guess that's something it will be good for him to learn - that humans are messily illogical and sometimes you just have to live with it - and that's there's a value sometimes in placing relationships above being right and logical even if it is frustrating.

I think all the routines of school - some of which are genuinely meaningless and uninteresting - will be a real challenge - but if he can learn some ability to cope with the humanness of people and all the inconsistency and arbitrariness and illogic that entails that will be amazing - I've had to do it studying law - and it hasn't been pleasant but it has been worthwhile. I actually found my own best social education came from working at woolworths - I think somewhere in our family and at a private school, I missed out on a social education - like Zenith I think I've had to learn a lot intellectually rather than intuitively - it's no doubt even harder for him but I have at least some idea what he's going through. It will make or break him I guess, but it's necessary to try

- it's like a having an operation that has a 90% chance of enhancing your quality of life enormously and a 10% chance of resulting in something worse than what you started with... I'm sure it's huge learning curve for both of you - it's not easy to find the right way to support him either.Incidentally I recently went on a school trip with N's "syndicate' from the intermediate - there was one boy there who was clearly Aspergers - unfortunately it played out in him playing the recorder compulsively and not that well, (but not really badly either - he had some potential I thought) - he played it waiting for the train and generally any time he wasn't swimming - the trip was to the beach - to everyone's annoyance - I really don't think he was trying to be annoying he just had no social awareness. He also made interesting use of language - he called sand "dirt" - I would have really liked to know what made him call it dirt - whether it was just loose use of language or whether it was the way he classified it.

But anyway, it did disturb me that kids generally are not really educated on why some kids are different and how to deal with it but then I try to educate my own kids and I think they understand intellectually, but despite whatever I say they can still be pretty intolerant - especially C - part of its being at an age where it's still difficult to put yourself in someone else's shoes.Anyway, I guess it will be a day by day challenge.Got to go to bed!

Dear X,
I'm very lucky that being on the high functioning end of the Autism spectrum, Z doesn't have many of the repetitive behaviors, & does have some social skills, & a creative brain. The things he has in common with aspergers is a literalness with language - this is more of an issue if he's tired, but I think it's also an aspect of intelligence - to see the logic or lack of it in human affairs regarding communication & language. it's partly because of his intelligence he can see the flaws in a lot of the thinking expressed around him (or lack of it) .

He occasionally harangues people with his observations about chickens , but in general is more creative (& entertaining) in responding to what is going on around him socially than most Aspergers people. There is a girl who stands by the school office looking nervous, & says hello compulsively, while not really making a connection with anyone who is more classic aspergers than him.

He lacks the ability to understand social norms well enough to manipulate skilfully - but he can respond pretty well to something unexpected that is thrown at him in the social arena, & disarm his opponents with wit. I think he's a bit like his uncle B actually in that respect. He can sum up a situation & spit out a response that is very witty immediately in a way that is quite funny. (for example I had been involved in a property group that in hindsight was a bit of a rip off. We were travelling somewhere & I stopped off at a motel for directions, & saw a sign for a "profit from property" seminar that was run by the same group - he immediately came out with "beware of false profits" (or prophets). I think if he keeps developing that sense of humor it will offset some of his less appealing aspects. he's worked out he has an ability to make people laugh, & school gives him plenty of opportunity to hone that.

If I had developed that ability more, I possibly would still have a job at F, in factory jobs, that can be something that makes people want to employ you. As you say being "right" often doesn't have much benefit. Being someone people want to have around does. If you also have problem solving skills etc it helps, but if people don't like you (a certain percentage of the time)- your progress can be limited. It's a bit like when someone comes on American idol who has a great voice, but when you watch them, they come across as simply unappealing as people. You don't want them to stay after a while. I've found at work that people will put up with someone who is as grumpy as hell quite often, if that person also has (& strangely these 2 aspects often exist in the same person) a great sense of humor and can give people a good laugh now and then. Actually plenty of people did like me at F, unfortunately some important people didnt like that I was right about somethings. I should have put off being right until after I was offered a permanent position! Anyway I have found too that working in factories has been a great leveler & I've really enjoyed working with many of the people there.

Z is lucky in that unlike classic Aspergers people - he does have what they lack, which is personality. Lower IQ aspergers people can sense the illogic in social behavior & social language, but don't know how to deal with it, he actually has the capacity to address it in a compelling way through astute observation & humor. sometimes - often perhaps, he's not trying to be funny but he captures the reality of a situation or a behavior in the way a comedian does which is his saving grace.

I think living in a small country town has helped him to relax, it's a bit like working at woolworths, probably better at this point than a very academic school, although science is probably a lot more boring than it would be if for example Prof M's son was teaching it. He seems to have a good connection with another boy who will be doing correspondance maths with him. A big strapping Maori guy who was put out of school for a year and has come back quite motivated. I think maths will be a bit of a sanctuary for him, amongst all the rest of the illogicalness. I feel that it's good for him to be at school now, it's the right time now & he will probably cope in general.

Z's first days at school...Letter to my sister, in reply to a letter she sent me

the following letters illustrate some of the issues connected with schooling a child with a logical, literal brain . (asperges)

dear "X",

Z had his first meltdown last night, not likely to be his last, the issues at the moment seem to relate to his literal use of language, I unfortunately had ticked a box next to writing on an enrolment form regarding "areas of unusual skill". Z is very literal in his language - & to him writing is strictly the act of writing with an instrument onto paper or other surfaces using a pen or pencil or similar. He really struggles with this, and also sometimes simple understandings of words that are based on common understandings of words within contexts that are sometimes quite removed from a literal interpretation of a word.

His own writing like his maths is quite efficient & direct, & can also be very entertaining, however he struggles extremely with the messy, casual, vague & illogical ways that language is used in communication. For example being a "writer" did once mean putting pen to paper, & one couldn't be a writer in any other way. But "writer" is also used where "author" may be a more apt description, especially if they use a keyboard in the process etc, where Z would call it, not writing but typing. We call someone a writer when they may not physically write at all. I tried to explain him that it can be used to describe anyone who translates ideas into a form that will be read, but it's unacceptable to him that words can be so divorced from their intended meaning. As many seemingly innocuous homework instructions are based on common understandings of meaning rather than literal interpretation, this is going to be an area of difficulty for him in many subjects as well as socially.

Anyway the fact that I had ticked the writing box (I still love reading his writing, it really stands out to me) made him feel under intense pressure to perform in an area he is aware of really struggling in. It wasn't helped by the fact that a teacher inadvertantly gave him the impression that some sheets of English problems & 3- 400 word essay choices was meant to be completed by his next English class. In fact it was just something to keep him busy in class while they got his program sorted. He was a bit over tired when he attempted the English homework he actually was meant to do - to write 2 brief emails & 2 formal letters, and when he struggled with some leaps of thought required to understand one of the briefs (that would be relatively simple to others who just accept , & understand the silly ways language is used & get on with it) he had pretty much had a total melt down that kept him awake half the night when he needed to be sleeping, & somehow he managed to blame all on my ticking of the box. Anyway the reality of school is setting in. Ultimately I think it will be good, but the transition into that chaos that is human communication will be hard. I'm not surprised, but he is, but it's not possible to explain it too him in advance, it has no meaning to him until it hit's him in the face, & even then explanations don't help that much, just seem to wind him up. so it's a learning process for both of us, hopefully we'll survive intact, & he will somehow eventually be improved, & better equipped through the experience.

I sympathise with him, I see that from his perspective, the English language is a mess that would benefit hugely by some fine tuning & decluttering. However as that's unlikely to happen in the near future, he has to learn to cope emotionally with the way things are. (& perhaps contribute to improving them in the future for others) I believe he is likely to achieve some NCEA's if he sticks with it, but to learn to deal with the diversity & confusion that he encounters at school will be in the long term what benefits him the most. I continue to learn from the constant challenges he throws my way, a painful process for him because I'm so painfully slow at understanding his world & his needs. When I don't get it right it's kind of like torture for him, although that's not my intention at all. I'm slowly starting to understand what is actually a very mathematical & elegant precision in his understanding & usage of language. I am far from being able to speak his language which causes numerous problems, but I hope over time I can grow towards understanding his way of thinking & help him with the challenges he faces.

For many years I deeply resisted the way he turned my own deeply held understandings of reality on their head, but as time has progressed I've realised that when I try to experience life from his perspective, letting go of my own cherished perspectives for a while, I learn much that is extremely valuable. Because of this I welcome the very challenging task of being his primary carer because ultimately the transformations he's required of me, to cope with his very different reality have been beneficial not just for him but for me as well. He continues to be my greatest teacher in life, & also my most challenging one. Living with Zen requires living day to day, moment to moment. Not in the future but in the present. I try to get through this day, this week, this year, this task at hand, this challenge, that issue etc, & enjoy the good parts as much as possible.

The best chance he has of success in the future is if he can find the resourcefulness to cope with what life throws at him, & find his place where he can and does belong . I believe it's possible, even if a few miracles are required a long the way. I think that the low keyness of a country school, & the range of possibilities open to him here, & the support of the school, probably give him about as much chance for a positive outcome as he's going to get anywhere, & he's about as ready for it as he's going to ever be.

I liked what you wrote, very true. The stereotypes could do with being challenged a bit more in that area or it undermines the whole point of gifted education.As far as I can see the education system is slowly evolving to become individualised, & unfortunately a lot of people help it evolve by experiencing what doesn't work(painfully), & then trying to change what didn't work. And eventually some good changes do happen (to be thrown out by the next government?) just got to make the most of it. Ultimately it will make or break Zen, I like to think it will be positive, that there are enough forces for good that he will come out of this in a better place, (but am crossing fingers & toes on that one).

thanks for your input, you always have something interesting to say regarding education.

Angela

---

From: my sister
Subject: RE: "Z"

...that seems really good fortune - to have someone with some understanding and a particular interest sounds great.

"T" Intermediate has a gifted programme which they talked about in one of their news letters and I thought it was great they were specifically trying to address the issue BUT they managed to send completely contradictory messages in other areas of the school life and I actually wrote a letter earlier to complain about it - the school has a school production every 2 years where the script is written by pupils - which sounds like a great idea in theory, but in practice the result is all the tired American stereotypes get trotted out on stage - which means a script full of "populars" vs the "nerds". The "nerdily-dressed" "nerd" recited miscellaneous "uninteresting" facts ad infinitum - for which he was generally rewarded with a physical shove from the populars - the nerd himself joked about going for his "daily beating". It wouldn't be such a big issue, but every day I see kids acting out the stereotypes they see in the media - calling other kids "losers" because they don't fit in the "popular" box and feeling perfectly justified in doing so because everything they see on tv tells them it's okay. I thought it was quite incongruous with trying to meet the needs of gifted children - to paint such a one-dimensional stereotyped picture of people with exceptional interests - and at the same time to make it look like abusing them for being different was okay. (There are some programmes with "nerd" characters which I actually really like - like "Malcolm in the Middle" and the IT Crowd, - I because think they manage to make them not one-dimensional and make them people you can still relate to in some respect rather than simply being the natural butt of ridicule). Anyway, if you have someone educated and positive there in "P" that's a big bonus.

---

Z's Big Day

well I didn't think this day would come, but my son has gone back to school. I pulled him out of the school school system about 8 yrs ago. Too tired to blog much about it right now - but soon :-)