From X
RE: Z
Dear Angel
...I've got to go to bed, but Z's experiences reminded me of a quote from Aristotle from my Property Law text:"it's a mark of immaturity to expect the same precision in human affairs as in mathematics" -
not that I'm criticising him - I sympathise with him because I would often like human affairs to have the same same precision as mathematics and can still find it frustrating when they don't - I have found myself having quite emotional reactions to illogic sometimes to a point that it's not rational and actually counterproductive - I think I'm finding law easier to deal with now because I'm accepting that's it's primarily human rather than logical. I guess that's something it will be good for him to learn - that humans are messily illogical and sometimes you just have to live with it - and that's there's a value sometimes in placing relationships above being right and logical even if it is frustrating.
I think all the routines of school - some of which are genuinely meaningless and uninteresting - will be a real challenge - but if he can learn some ability to cope with the humanness of people and all the inconsistency and arbitrariness and illogic that entails that will be amazing - I've had to do it studying law - and it hasn't been pleasant but it has been worthwhile. I actually found my own best social education came from working at woolworths - I think somewhere in our family and at a private school, I missed out on a social education - like Zenith I think I've had to learn a lot intellectually rather than intuitively - it's no doubt even harder for him but I have at least some idea what he's going through. It will make or break him I guess, but it's necessary to try
- it's like a having an operation that has a 90% chance of enhancing your quality of life enormously and a 10% chance of resulting in something worse than what you started with... I'm sure it's huge learning curve for both of you - it's not easy to find the right way to support him either.Incidentally I recently went on a school trip with N's "syndicate' from the intermediate - there was one boy there who was clearly Aspergers - unfortunately it played out in him playing the recorder compulsively and not that well, (but not really badly either - he had some potential I thought) - he played it waiting for the train and generally any time he wasn't swimming - the trip was to the beach - to everyone's annoyance - I really don't think he was trying to be annoying he just had no social awareness. He also made interesting use of language - he called sand "dirt" - I would have really liked to know what made him call it dirt - whether it was just loose use of language or whether it was the way he classified it.
But anyway, it did disturb me that kids generally are not really educated on why some kids are different and how to deal with it but then I try to educate my own kids and I think they understand intellectually, but despite whatever I say they can still be pretty intolerant - especially C - part of its being at an age where it's still difficult to put yourself in someone else's shoes.Anyway, I guess it will be a day by day challenge.Got to go to bed!
Dear X,
I'm very lucky that being on the high functioning end of the Autism spectrum, Z doesn't have many of the repetitive behaviors, & does have some social skills, & a creative brain. The things he has in common with aspergers is a literalness with language - this is more of an issue if he's tired, but I think it's also an aspect of intelligence - to see the logic or lack of it in human affairs regarding communication & language. it's partly because of his intelligence he can see the flaws in a lot of the thinking expressed around him (or lack of it) .
He occasionally harangues people with his observations about chickens , but in general is more creative (& entertaining) in responding to what is going on around him socially than most Aspergers people. There is a girl who stands by the school office looking nervous, & says hello compulsively, while not really making a connection with anyone who is more classic aspergers than him.
He lacks the ability to understand social norms well enough to manipulate skilfully - but he can respond pretty well to something unexpected that is thrown at him in the social arena, & disarm his opponents with wit. I think he's a bit like his uncle B actually in that respect. He can sum up a situation & spit out a response that is very witty immediately in a way that is quite funny. (for example I had been involved in a property group that in hindsight was a bit of a rip off. We were travelling somewhere & I stopped off at a motel for directions, & saw a sign for a "profit from property" seminar that was run by the same group - he immediately came out with "beware of false profits" (or prophets). I think if he keeps developing that sense of humor it will offset some of his less appealing aspects. he's worked out he has an ability to make people laugh, & school gives him plenty of opportunity to hone that.
If I had developed that ability more, I possibly would still have a job at F, in factory jobs, that can be something that makes people want to employ you. As you say being "right" often doesn't have much benefit. Being someone people want to have around does. If you also have problem solving skills etc it helps, but if people don't like you (a certain percentage of the time)- your progress can be limited. It's a bit like when someone comes on American idol who has a great voice, but when you watch them, they come across as simply unappealing as people. You don't want them to stay after a while. I've found at work that people will put up with someone who is as grumpy as hell quite often, if that person also has (& strangely these 2 aspects often exist in the same person) a great sense of humor and can give people a good laugh now and then. Actually plenty of people did like me at F, unfortunately some important people didnt like that I was right about somethings. I should have put off being right until after I was offered a permanent position! Anyway I have found too that working in factories has been a great leveler & I've really enjoyed working with many of the people there.
Z is lucky in that unlike classic Aspergers people - he does have what they lack, which is personality. Lower IQ aspergers people can sense the illogic in social behavior & social language, but don't know how to deal with it, he actually has the capacity to address it in a compelling way through astute observation & humor. sometimes - often perhaps, he's not trying to be funny but he captures the reality of a situation or a behavior in the way a comedian does which is his saving grace.
I think living in a small country town has helped him to relax, it's a bit like working at woolworths, probably better at this point than a very academic school, although science is probably a lot more boring than it would be if for example Prof M's son was teaching it. He seems to have a good connection with another boy who will be doing correspondance maths with him. A big strapping Maori guy who was put out of school for a year and has come back quite motivated. I think maths will be a bit of a sanctuary for him, amongst all the rest of the illogicalness. I feel that it's good for him to be at school now, it's the right time now & he will probably cope in general.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Z's first days at school...Letter to my sister, in reply to a letter she sent me
the following letters illustrate some of the issues connected with schooling a child with a logical, literal brain . (asperges)
dear "X",
Z had his first meltdown last night, not likely to be his last, the issues at the moment seem to relate to his literal use of language, I unfortunately had ticked a box next to writing on an enrolment form regarding "areas of unusual skill". Z is very literal in his language - & to him writing is strictly the act of writing with an instrument onto paper or other surfaces using a pen or pencil or similar. He really struggles with this, and also sometimes simple understandings of words that are based on common understandings of words within contexts that are sometimes quite removed from a literal interpretation of a word.
His own writing like his maths is quite efficient & direct, & can also be very entertaining, however he struggles extremely with the messy, casual, vague & illogical ways that language is used in communication. For example being a "writer" did once mean putting pen to paper, & one couldn't be a writer in any other way. But "writer" is also used where "author" may be a more apt description, especially if they use a keyboard in the process etc, where Z would call it, not writing but typing. We call someone a writer when they may not physically write at all. I tried to explain him that it can be used to describe anyone who translates ideas into a form that will be read, but it's unacceptable to him that words can be so divorced from their intended meaning. As many seemingly innocuous homework instructions are based on common understandings of meaning rather than literal interpretation, this is going to be an area of difficulty for him in many subjects as well as socially.
Anyway the fact that I had ticked the writing box (I still love reading his writing, it really stands out to me) made him feel under intense pressure to perform in an area he is aware of really struggling in. It wasn't helped by the fact that a teacher inadvertantly gave him the impression that some sheets of English problems & 3- 400 word essay choices was meant to be completed by his next English class. In fact it was just something to keep him busy in class while they got his program sorted. He was a bit over tired when he attempted the English homework he actually was meant to do - to write 2 brief emails & 2 formal letters, and when he struggled with some leaps of thought required to understand one of the briefs (that would be relatively simple to others who just accept , & understand the silly ways language is used & get on with it) he had pretty much had a total melt down that kept him awake half the night when he needed to be sleeping, & somehow he managed to blame all on my ticking of the box. Anyway the reality of school is setting in. Ultimately I think it will be good, but the transition into that chaos that is human communication will be hard. I'm not surprised, but he is, but it's not possible to explain it too him in advance, it has no meaning to him until it hit's him in the face, & even then explanations don't help that much, just seem to wind him up. so it's a learning process for both of us, hopefully we'll survive intact, & he will somehow eventually be improved, & better equipped through the experience.
I sympathise with him, I see that from his perspective, the English language is a mess that would benefit hugely by some fine tuning & decluttering. However as that's unlikely to happen in the near future, he has to learn to cope emotionally with the way things are. (& perhaps contribute to improving them in the future for others) I believe he is likely to achieve some NCEA's if he sticks with it, but to learn to deal with the diversity & confusion that he encounters at school will be in the long term what benefits him the most. I continue to learn from the constant challenges he throws my way, a painful process for him because I'm so painfully slow at understanding his world & his needs. When I don't get it right it's kind of like torture for him, although that's not my intention at all. I'm slowly starting to understand what is actually a very mathematical & elegant precision in his understanding & usage of language. I am far from being able to speak his language which causes numerous problems, but I hope over time I can grow towards understanding his way of thinking & help him with the challenges he faces.
For many years I deeply resisted the way he turned my own deeply held understandings of reality on their head, but as time has progressed I've realised that when I try to experience life from his perspective, letting go of my own cherished perspectives for a while, I learn much that is extremely valuable. Because of this I welcome the very challenging task of being his primary carer because ultimately the transformations he's required of me, to cope with his very different reality have been beneficial not just for him but for me as well. He continues to be my greatest teacher in life, & also my most challenging one. Living with Zen requires living day to day, moment to moment. Not in the future but in the present. I try to get through this day, this week, this year, this task at hand, this challenge, that issue etc, & enjoy the good parts as much as possible.
The best chance he has of success in the future is if he can find the resourcefulness to cope with what life throws at him, & find his place where he can and does belong . I believe it's possible, even if a few miracles are required a long the way. I think that the low keyness of a country school, & the range of possibilities open to him here, & the support of the school, probably give him about as much chance for a positive outcome as he's going to get anywhere, & he's about as ready for it as he's going to ever be.
I liked what you wrote, very true. The stereotypes could do with being challenged a bit more in that area or it undermines the whole point of gifted education.As far as I can see the education system is slowly evolving to become individualised, & unfortunately a lot of people help it evolve by experiencing what doesn't work(painfully), & then trying to change what didn't work. And eventually some good changes do happen (to be thrown out by the next government?) just got to make the most of it. Ultimately it will make or break Zen, I like to think it will be positive, that there are enough forces for good that he will come out of this in a better place, (but am crossing fingers & toes on that one).
thanks for your input, you always have something interesting to say regarding education.
Angela
From: my sister
Subject: RE: "Z"
...that seems really good fortune - to have someone with some understanding and a particular interest sounds great.
"T" Intermediate has a gifted programme which they talked about in one of their news letters and I thought it was great they were specifically trying to address the issue BUT they managed to send completely contradictory messages in other areas of the school life and I actually wrote a letter earlier to complain about it - the school has a school production every 2 years where the script is written by pupils - which sounds like a great idea in theory, but in practice the result is all the tired American stereotypes get trotted out on stage - which means a script full of "populars" vs the "nerds". The "nerdily-dressed" "nerd" recited miscellaneous "uninteresting" facts ad infinitum - for which he was generally rewarded with a physical shove from the populars - the nerd himself joked about going for his "daily beating". It wouldn't be such a big issue, but every day I see kids acting out the stereotypes they see in the media - calling other kids "losers" because they don't fit in the "popular" box and feeling perfectly justified in doing so because everything they see on tv tells them it's okay. I thought it was quite incongruous with trying to meet the needs of gifted children - to paint such a one-dimensional stereotyped picture of people with exceptional interests - and at the same time to make it look like abusing them for being different was okay. (There are some programmes with "nerd" characters which I actually really like - like "Malcolm in the Middle" and the IT Crowd, - I because think they manage to make them not one-dimensional and make them people you can still relate to in some respect rather than simply being the natural butt of ridicule). Anyway, if you have someone educated and positive there in "P" that's a big bonus.
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