more letters from, and to my sister on my son & Aspergers

From X
RE: Z

Dear Angel

...I've got to go to bed, but Z's experiences reminded me of a quote from Aristotle from my Property Law text:"it's a mark of immaturity to expect the same precision in human affairs as in mathematics" -

not that I'm criticising him - I sympathise with him because I would often like human affairs to have the same same precision as mathematics and can still find it frustrating when they don't - I have found myself having quite emotional reactions to illogic sometimes to a point that it's not rational and actually counterproductive - I think I'm finding law easier to deal with now because I'm accepting that's it's primarily human rather than logical. I guess that's something it will be good for him to learn - that humans are messily illogical and sometimes you just have to live with it - and that's there's a value sometimes in placing relationships above being right and logical even if it is frustrating.

I think all the routines of school - some of which are genuinely meaningless and uninteresting - will be a real challenge - but if he can learn some ability to cope with the humanness of people and all the inconsistency and arbitrariness and illogic that entails that will be amazing - I've had to do it studying law - and it hasn't been pleasant but it has been worthwhile. I actually found my own best social education came from working at woolworths - I think somewhere in our family and at a private school, I missed out on a social education - like Zenith I think I've had to learn a lot intellectually rather than intuitively - it's no doubt even harder for him but I have at least some idea what he's going through. It will make or break him I guess, but it's necessary to try

- it's like a having an operation that has a 90% chance of enhancing your quality of life enormously and a 10% chance of resulting in something worse than what you started with... I'm sure it's huge learning curve for both of you - it's not easy to find the right way to support him either.Incidentally I recently went on a school trip with N's "syndicate' from the intermediate - there was one boy there who was clearly Aspergers - unfortunately it played out in him playing the recorder compulsively and not that well, (but not really badly either - he had some potential I thought) - he played it waiting for the train and generally any time he wasn't swimming - the trip was to the beach - to everyone's annoyance - I really don't think he was trying to be annoying he just had no social awareness. He also made interesting use of language - he called sand "dirt" - I would have really liked to know what made him call it dirt - whether it was just loose use of language or whether it was the way he classified it.

But anyway, it did disturb me that kids generally are not really educated on why some kids are different and how to deal with it but then I try to educate my own kids and I think they understand intellectually, but despite whatever I say they can still be pretty intolerant - especially C - part of its being at an age where it's still difficult to put yourself in someone else's shoes.Anyway, I guess it will be a day by day challenge.Got to go to bed!

Dear X,
I'm very lucky that being on the high functioning end of the Autism spectrum, Z doesn't have many of the repetitive behaviors, & does have some social skills, & a creative brain. The things he has in common with aspergers is a literalness with language - this is more of an issue if he's tired, but I think it's also an aspect of intelligence - to see the logic or lack of it in human affairs regarding communication & language. it's partly because of his intelligence he can see the flaws in a lot of the thinking expressed around him (or lack of it) .

He occasionally harangues people with his observations about chickens , but in general is more creative (& entertaining) in responding to what is going on around him socially than most Aspergers people. There is a girl who stands by the school office looking nervous, & says hello compulsively, while not really making a connection with anyone who is more classic aspergers than him.

He lacks the ability to understand social norms well enough to manipulate skilfully - but he can respond pretty well to something unexpected that is thrown at him in the social arena, & disarm his opponents with wit. I think he's a bit like his uncle B actually in that respect. He can sum up a situation & spit out a response that is very witty immediately in a way that is quite funny. (for example I had been involved in a property group that in hindsight was a bit of a rip off. We were travelling somewhere & I stopped off at a motel for directions, & saw a sign for a "profit from property" seminar that was run by the same group - he immediately came out with "beware of false profits" (or prophets). I think if he keeps developing that sense of humor it will offset some of his less appealing aspects. he's worked out he has an ability to make people laugh, & school gives him plenty of opportunity to hone that.

If I had developed that ability more, I possibly would still have a job at F, in factory jobs, that can be something that makes people want to employ you. As you say being "right" often doesn't have much benefit. Being someone people want to have around does. If you also have problem solving skills etc it helps, but if people don't like you (a certain percentage of the time)- your progress can be limited. It's a bit like when someone comes on American idol who has a great voice, but when you watch them, they come across as simply unappealing as people. You don't want them to stay after a while. I've found at work that people will put up with someone who is as grumpy as hell quite often, if that person also has (& strangely these 2 aspects often exist in the same person) a great sense of humor and can give people a good laugh now and then. Actually plenty of people did like me at F, unfortunately some important people didnt like that I was right about somethings. I should have put off being right until after I was offered a permanent position! Anyway I have found too that working in factories has been a great leveler & I've really enjoyed working with many of the people there.

Z is lucky in that unlike classic Aspergers people - he does have what they lack, which is personality. Lower IQ aspergers people can sense the illogic in social behavior & social language, but don't know how to deal with it, he actually has the capacity to address it in a compelling way through astute observation & humor. sometimes - often perhaps, he's not trying to be funny but he captures the reality of a situation or a behavior in the way a comedian does which is his saving grace.

I think living in a small country town has helped him to relax, it's a bit like working at woolworths, probably better at this point than a very academic school, although science is probably a lot more boring than it would be if for example Prof M's son was teaching it. He seems to have a good connection with another boy who will be doing correspondance maths with him. A big strapping Maori guy who was put out of school for a year and has come back quite motivated. I think maths will be a bit of a sanctuary for him, amongst all the rest of the illogicalness. I feel that it's good for him to be at school now, it's the right time now & he will probably cope in general.